A few days ago I found myself at the Ubiquitous Discount Retail Outlet (UDRO). One display in particular caught my eye, a 5' tall, animated, Santa. Wow. Life-sized Santa... He's old. He's Fat. He's only five feet tall. I could take him. I looked at those rosy cheeks, those sparkling eyes, the droll little mouth drawn up in a bow. How charming. Sure, if you are looking at him from an adult's eye level. But Old Saint Nick was towering over me from a shelf, and viewed from the perspective of a five year old, that "charming" expression was downright maniacal.
Then I noticed something else: Five foot Santa, Two-and -a- half foot box. What a great Christmas Gift! Imagine the look on little Timmy's face when he opens his box of Santa Halves and sees Chris Cringle staring back at him, mouth twisted into a permanent grin, his eyes fixed in an eternal gaze. Just perfect for your Soprano themed holiday.
Nothing puts me in the holiday spirit like scaring the hell out of little kids. And no one scared more little kids than Ebeneezer Scrooge. My Favorite version of the Dicken's tale is the 1971 musical, Starring Albert Finney. (Much better than "An American Christmas Carol", Starring the Fonz, Henry Winkler.) In the musical Scrooge sang, "I hate people! I HATE people!" as he made his rounds being "The Man", keeping the people down and putting the squeeze on the poor folks of Old Camden Town.
Old Scrooge would've appreciated Santa Halves.
Scrooge was visited by the ghost of Marley who warned,"Ebeneezer Scrooge! Ya wicked old white mon, I and I come to tell ya, tree ghosties coming to see ya, mon. Best be doing what they tell ya, for they not even playin' wit you!" The ghosts came and Scrooge was properly scared straight.
In fact, he got downright jovial. The story ends with the narrator claiming that, "Scrooge kept his vow to keep Christmas in his heart every day of the year." What they don't tell you is that come August, when Ebeneezer was still running around in his night shirt and Santa hat giving out gifts, his poor nephew Fred got power of attorney, had Scrooge committed and moved up to the big house shortly thereafter. It just goes to show that the holidays bring out the best, and the worst, in everybody.
Speaking of the worst of the holidays, I have a nominee for the Worst Christmas Song Ever. No, it isn't "Doggy Jingle Bells", or the equally appalling cat version. It isn't even the dreadful, "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer".
My vote for the worst holiday song of all time goes to Red Sovine's "Faith in Santa" aka "Billy's Christmas Wish."
Trucker Songs-Red Sovine - Billy's Christmas Wish
Red, the Late, Great country rapper, spins the heart warming tale of street corner Santa who encounters a little runaway boy. The little urchin is dirty, skinny and has no coat. He tells Santa that his daddy is in prison for killing his mamma's boyfriend, mom is never around because she works in a bar and the guy they live with beats him. then Billy climbs up in Santa's lap and Santa, touched by the lad's plight says:
(To the strains of a mournful steel guitar)
"Just tell Santa what you would like, son.
Anything you might have in mind.
I didn't know where you lived before, Billy
But I promise I won't miss you next time."Little Billy's face quickly grew brighter
Such luck he would have never guessed.
After thinking awhile he finally said,
"Well Sir, I might just have one request.Have you ever been up to heaven, Santa?
I bet you know God, as good as you are."
"Could I just ride up to Jesus' house, Sir?
(if it's not too awful far)He just might let me live there awhile.
Daddy says he likes little boys.
And I wouldn't take up too much room, Sir.
I'd just sit in the back with the toys.And I promise not to be bad, Santa
I could help God do his chores.
And he might even let me see Daddy,
And I wouldn't be hungry no more.""I'm so tired and sleepy now, Santa,"
said the child as he looked to the skies.
With a sigh he relaxed against Santa's chest,
And peacefully closed his eyes.Santa quickly felt for the little boy's pulse.
"Someone please get a doctor!" he said.
But when the ambulance took little Billy away,
Everyone knew he was dead.
(I bet the lady at the temp agency never warned him that he would have to deal with this crap for $7.50 an hour!)
The children had grown more silent
as they listened to the little boy.
They were no longer happy and laughing,
His story had stolen their joy.
(Little Billy sort of harshed my buzz, too.)
They looked to Santa for comfort.
He fought for the right words to say.
He said, "Now kids, don't be sad for Billy,
Because he went to Heaven today."He wanted to go and live with God,
So, now everything's alright.
Let thoughts of Billy make your thoughts be kind,
And I'll see you all on Christmas Eve Night."
(And you might get a little Grief counseling too, so you won't have flashbacks every time you hear "Jingle Bells")
"Merry Christmas Everybody!"
They killed Billy! You Bastards!
Then What did Santa do? Did he have to make a statement to the police? Did he just sort of shove his hands in his pockets and try to slink away unseen? Did he go get drunk? Did he get the suit cleaned? What about while he was waiting for the ambulance? What did he do with the tyke? Did he sit there with the little stiff in his lap, or did he roll him off on the ground in a little heap? Talk about uncomfortable situations.
I think they ought to add a verse or two:
"Here's a dime," Said Santa,
"Did anybody make that call?
I'll just prop little Billy up,
restful like, against this wall.""Close his eyes,
put his hands in his lap."
"See kids," Said Santa.
"it looks like Billy's taking a nap.""Careful, don't touch him.
Poor Billy had fleas.
And from the looks of those sores,
I bet he died of a contagious disease.""Somebody keep an eye on him.
Don't worry, Santa won't be far,
I'll just be around the corner
Getting blitzed at Tony's Bar."
Yep. Red Sovine, like Ebeneezer Scrooge had a really screwed up notion of Christmas. And, just like Scrooge, ol' Red seemed to run into a lot of ghosts. Heck, he even claimed to have seen the ghost of Elvis once. But we all know what REALLY happened to the King. Of Course, if Red were still with us, it would only be a matter of time before little Billy showed up as a ghost in one of his songs. It seems like it takes about ten years, according to most of Red's songs, from the time of a tragic death until the time one becomes a proper ghost. If Red is right, after that you spend most of your time thumbing rides or picking up hitch-hikers and making change.
So if you are driving down a lonely road on a dark and foggy Christmas eve, and see a spectral shape moving in the darkness, don't be afraid to stop. It isn't little Billy back from the dead. It's just Old Mikey sneaking over to the neighbor's to have some fun. C'mon, help me scare the crap out of them with this half a Santa... It really is the most wonderful time of the year!