Five Minutes To Midnight

The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists issued a major announcement today. Acknowledging that the world is a crazy place Yo, the Atomic Scientists have proclaimed Flavor Flav as the Perpetual Keeper of the Doomsday Clock and moved the clock's hands forward by two minutes. It is now five minutes to midnight.

(If your Doomsday Clock is flashing 12:00, don't panic, that just means the electricity went off momentarily.)

You can read the board's statement and check out their killa new website here.

This is the first time the hands of the Doomsday Clock have been moved since February 2002 when they were set to 12:00 so that the Atomic Scientists could go to lunch early. This most recent resetting of the hands was initiated partly in response to emerging threats from Iran and North Korea. Iran's president, Foulmood I'monajihad has made no bones about his grim determination to pop an atomic cap in Israel's ass, While North Korea's Great Leader Lil' Kim Jong Il continues to thumb his nose at the West while planning more nuclear weapons tests.

Iran has gotten on the atomic fast track with the announcement that it will have 3,000 nuclear centrifuges on-line by next March which the Iranians insist is for production of nuclear fuel "for peaceful civilian use only."  Other's point out that if these centrifuges are allowed to become operational, within a year the Iranians will have enough nuclear material for the Mother of All Kosher Weenie Roasts.

The United Nations has threatened to send Iran "a stern note with at least three frowny-faces," if Tehran continues to pursue its nuclear ambitions.

This weak response from the West has done nothing to discourage Kim Jong Il from his quest to gain a key to the Atomic Playboy's club. He no doubt believes that once he straps his Little Boy to one of his massive Taepo-dongs that the rest of the world will tremble in awe at the might of his Missile Envy Tour. (If he could only keep his missile up for more than forty-two seconds, that is.)

But rockets aren't the only trick Lil' Kim has up his sleeve. Long known as the "Elmer Fudd of Asia," the diminutive despot recently announced that North Korea was acquiring a quantity of freakishly large German engineered rabbits to provide his starving populace with the Glorious People's Wabbit Stew.

Is this an attempt to bolster the physical condition of vast numbers of industrial workers and conscripts in the event of nuclear confrontation with the West? Or perhaps there could be an even more sinister motive. As a precaution, the Atomic Scientists have dispatched a special courier to Pyongyang. He carries with him DVD copies of "Them" and the "Godzilla" collection as a warning of the dangers of combining animal husbandry with atomic science.

However, the nuclear ambitions of the Axis of Evil (not to mention the 26,000 warheads divvied up between the United States and Russia) aren't the only concerns that have the Atomic Scientists quaking in their lead-lined boots. It seems that they are worried about a certain inconvenient truth. According to the boys at the lab, man-made climate change is the second greatest threat to the survival of our planet. They insist that irreparable damage will be done to the environment within the next forty years, unless we act now to stop it. Oh, gee, that won't cause any controversy.

Neo-con pundits like Rush Limbaugh and G. Gordon Liddy, who look on global warming the same way David Duke views the Holocaust will no doubt have a field day with this one. They'll point out that carbon dioxide is one of the main constituents of our atmosphere, that farting cows-- not automobiles are the main source of atmospheric CO2, and that we have a God-given right as Capitalists to pump any damn thing we want into the air or water, no matter how toxic it is.

Besides, these guys are Atomic Scientists, not Weather Scientists, so what do they know? And if old Sci-fi movies are to be believed, you can't trust scientists anyway. Remember "The Thing?" James Arness would still be running loose if the nerdy little guy with the goatee had gotten his way. Remember Dr. Cyclops? He was a scientist. Frankenstein? Scientist. Dr. Evil?

Do I need to go on?

Personally, I put a little more stock into what the scientists have to say because, well... They're scientists. When I need advice on how to sneak the jumbo bottle of Viagra past airport security or how not to go to prison for political espionage I'll call Limbaugh and Liddy. For now I'm sticking with the lab-coat crowd.

Anybody got the time? I must be fast, mine says twelve, straight up.

Comments

[Toby AKA Chief Big Toe Red Feather]

See, we really do have a common view on the global state of mind. I just have not blgged it yet. You ought to get a prize of some sort for your creative mockery to the ones in charge...know what I mean? I LOVE the way you hand it to the powers that be! Keep blogging Tehuti! Love it!!