Tie-Dyed Brain Rays: Of The Crooked, By The Crooked, And For The Crooked

What can keep a homo out of a wedding dress, but can't keep its hand out of the cookie jar? The United States Congress, of course!

When will we stop fretting about what our neighbors are doing behind closed doors and start worrying about what our government is doing behind our backs?

The sad tale of the rise and fall of Jack Abramoff should provide great entertainment for the Beltway scandal mongers, as the rush to return gifts and contributions officially kicks off the "Ill Gotten Gains For Charity Drive" in our nation's capitol. The FedEx-Kinkos one block from Capitol Hill reports a surge in traffic during the past week. An unnamed spokesperson at the copy shop told reporters, "We've seen a virtual stampede of congressional aides and pages through here in the last several days. They're bringing in big boxes, little boxes, well stuffed envelopes, and they are all going to the same address-- some guy named Abramoff. He sure is popular. It must be his birthday."

The smoke-and-mirror boys will soon be at work, manufacturing some emotional, hot-button issue to distract us from the frenetic activity under the table. It shouldn't be long before the nation is faced with the grave threat to national security posed by flag-burning gays in wedding dresses besmirching the sacrifices of our fallen heroes by demanding an immediate withdrawal of troops from Iraq and abortion on demand for kindergärtners. Those legislators too deeply entangled in the Abramoff web to extricate themselves by such means will no doubt pull a page from the Book of Clinton and deny everything. Look for a flush of press conferences featuring stony-faced senators exclaiming indignantly into the cameras, "I DID NOT have financial relations with that man," followed shortly by, "Define, 'financial'."

So far, the investigation has focused its scrutiny on five congressmen, three of whom are from the president's own party. And while it is always refreshing to see the self-righteous bastions of public morality caught with their sticky fingers thrust third-date deep into the pie, ("family values" evidently don't include prohibitions against lying, cheating and stealing) this isn't a partisan attack on the Republican party. No, there is plenty of dirt under the left hand side of the carpet too. A number of Democrats have obviously failed to realize that the best way to defend oneself from criticisms of a lack of moral fiber is to not get caught doing something hinkey. It seems that the only place where a spirit of bi-partisan cooperation prevails is in smoky rooms and back alleys. But the antics of the former lobbyist-turned-stool pigeon are upsetting more than just the Washington power elite.

Mr. Abramoff plead guilty to charges of palm greasing in the first degree, “in exchange for certain official acts,” some of which were performed on several Indian tribes without the benefit of lubrication. Reportedly, Mr. Abramoff claimed to have the ear of the Great White Father in Washington, took large sums of cash from Native American casino interests, and then failed to deliver either the beads or wampum. Fred Nickle-slot Eagle, spokesman for the Wannaplaysumbingo tribe was quoted as saying, “We’re used to getting a screw job from the white man, but crimeny! If you can’t trust an influence peddler, who can you trust? This thing has me so upset I’m smoking five packs of tax-free cigarettes a day.”

Abramoff, appearing in front of the Federal Court building in tap shoes and wearing a suit and fedora from the Edward G. Robinson collection said, “Gotta sing! Gotta dance! A two-thirds reduction of a man’s jail time can buy a lot of cooperation. Can I say, ‘buy cooperation?’ I can’t? Well, strike that part.” He went on to say, “Right now I’m consulting with counsel and taking private lessons from Michael Flatley. We are determining the best way to proceed and soon I’ll be ready for my debut backed up by a chorus line of dancing skeletons straight from the congressional closet.”